The Bitchelor Episode 15 The Batchelor Brain Drought: One Woman’s Reflux

#IwillRideWithPoppy  #MakeMeAnOffer  #WatchingThisShitSoYouDontHaveTo #MeetTheFockers  #TailGate  #TeamSloppySeconds  #NeoLiberalLove  #Paleo #DoucheDate #TheBachelorNZ  #TheBitchelor
HAVE I OFFENDED THE GODS? Why? Why on earth are they filming a reunion show already? Please tell me that they aren’t planning on resurrecting one of the contestants that got ditched. How low would your self-esteem have to be to allow yourself to get publicly ditched not once, but twice? How much more public humiliation can one show deliver? If you aren’t following what I’m raving on about then perhaps you have missed the ‘hold the press, news flash, breaking right now’ announcement that there is some kind of reunion special. #IwillDie. I’m so excited by this news that I might just go put my head in the oven. Bugger. It’s electric. May as well spray it with toxic chemicals so I can chip off the feijoa, pear and ginger crumble. It boiled over. It was delicious but far too sweet.
Now it’s just a hot, sticky mess.

There are only three lady girls left to choose from for him now. I was assuming only two more blogs. You know what they say about assuming, right? That’s The Batchelor; making an ass of u and me! Only three contestants left but it’s true he has a connection/boner for all of them. Whoever will he choose? Alysha will get sent home tonight foreshore. Let’s be honest she is from Invercargill and she has done well to be kept on the show this long but it isn’t like she was ever going to win. I mean Invercargill. It’s more expensive to get there than a hundred warmer and more exotic locations. What can Invercargill offer our Paleo Prince apart from Tim Shadbolt and Marcus Lush? After the series Arty is going to want to be mixing with the elite. Your Hosking’s and your Henry’s and other likeminded males.

I read in the Sunday Herald this weekend that there is a man drought in NZ. We have a shortage of blokes with brains. Initially I discounted the article because it was in the Herald but then I thought about The Batchelor and figured maybe there was something to it if Arty is the best we could drum up. He hasn’t said a single interesting or informed thing throughout the whole series. Maybe I’m wrong and the editing suite floor is littered with words of wisdom and inspiration. Yeah nah. There is a man drought with an attached brain drain. There is no other feasible reason for the selection of Arty.

Tonight they are off on fantasy dates. These lady girls have made it down to the final three. It is time for the show to pull out all the stops and send them to the most romantic location on the planet. Will it be Paris, Venice or maybe Niagara Falls…nope …it’s the Gold Coast. They are off to Surfers. Good grief. Surfers makes Invercargill look exotic. Nothing says romance like thousands of families on a package deal and a theme park pass like the home of that other kiwi classic, The GC.

Here’s what happened on the fantasy dates. Danni went surfing, ran around in a bikini, got in a bath, pashed heaps and stayed the night but without sex. At least on camera. Arty said he wasn’t keen on getting more physical because of the other women but I tend to think it has more to do with the BSA. Danni also pointed out to Arty that she is a Cancer and he is a Taurus and they are compatible. Well stop right there. Why even continue? If the stars are aligned like that I think you will find we have a winner!

Then Arty went on a date with Matilda, the one with the gammy arm who keeps changing casts to match her frock. They realise that Surfers isn’t Venice but go punting in a gondola anyway. So stylish and sophisticated! Matilda doesn’t stay the night because she doesn’t want to look slutty.
The last date is with the super intense and increasingly desperate Alysha. I couldn’t tell you what they did on the date because I actually fell asleep. The Paleo Prince is swilling paleo friendly beer this episode and I think he tries to sound scientific, while sitting in a tub and talking about absorbing antioxidants and free radicals. The show is making me hungry so I eat another serve of crumble which is best served with a classic vanilla ice-cream. Technically I’m allergic to ice cream (it makes my arse swell) but I’m an emotional eater and this show makes me emo. I keep imagining Arty having accidents.

As dates on the Gold Coast go they couldn’t have been any classier unless they hired a stretch hummer, spent a night at Draculas and then got hitched at Movie World. The Batchelor NZ has really pushed the boat out tonight and done us proud on the world stage.

Then Arty dumped Alysha and banished her back to southland. She didn’t cry. She gathered what was left of her dignity, squared her tiny lady girl shoulders and didn’t end up like my feijoa crumble on camera. A hot, sticky mess, desperately trying to cling on where it isn’t wanted.

Good for her, but you know what they say, the show must go on. Only two left and I hope they manage to keep it classy. Tomorrow night they might even go to a casino!


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